One of the perks of having been through a marriage (even one that ended) is that you likely have a clearer sense of what you absolutely need in a partner and what you absolutely cannot tolerate. These are your non-negotiables. The challenge is that, in the excitement or loneliness of dating, it is easy to ignore those and settle for less. This article will help you identify your non-negotiables and, just as important, stick to them while dating so you end up in a relationship that truly works for you.
What Are Non-Negotiables? (And How Many Should You Have?):
Non-negotiables are the core values or qualities that are essential for your happiness in a relationship. If absent, the relationship is doomed in the long run. They can be positive (must have) or negative (dealbreaker). Examples: honesty (I cannot be with a liar), desire for children (I must have a partner who also wants kids, or vice versa, I am done having kids so partner must not want any), financial responsibility (I will not partner with someone reckless with money), monogamy (I only do exclusive relationships), lifestyle choices (I want someone who, say, also is health conscious, or shares my faith, etc.). Ideally, these are relatively few if you have a laundry list of 20 “musts”, which is more like a wish list and could be unrealistic. Aim for maybe 3-5 key ones. Think of them as the pillars that absolutely need to be there to hold up the relationship. They are personal to you; someone else’s non-negotiable might be a “meh” for you and that is fine. The point is to know your own bottom lines.
Identifying Your Lessons from the Past:
A great starting point is your previous marriage or serious relationships. What were the main reasons they did not work? Buried in those reasons are likely some non-negotiables. For example, if you divorced because there was an affair, perhaps fidelity/trust is top of your list (most people would agree on that one). If you felt unsupported in your ambitions, maybe you need a partner who encourages and respects your goals. Or maybe there were constant clashes because you and your ex had drastically different social needs (one a homebody, one a partier) so maybe lifestyle compatibility is a non-negotiable. Write down the major pain points or dissatisfactions from past relationships and flip them into a positive requirement or a clear dealbreaker. It’s also worth reflecting on positive past experiences if you had a relationship where, say, communication was stellar, and it made everything easier, you might set open communication as a non-negotiable (realising you cannot go back to walking on eggshells or silent treatments after experiencing healthy dialogue).
Checking Your Non-Negotiables Against Reality:
Once you list a few, sanity check them: are they reasonable and likely to be met by a real human? For instance, having “must be at least 6’2” tall” is probably not a true core requirement (unless maybe you’re 6 feet yourself and feel strongly about it, but even then, height doesn’t determine relationship quality). Physical attributes, certain income levels, etc., should be examined; are those truly non-negotiable or just nice-to-haves? Try to focus on character, values, and life goals. You might find, as you date, that a non-negotiable evolves or a nice-to-have becomes more important; that is okay, as long as it is not driven by fleeting whims but by a deeper understanding of your needs. Also, if one of your “musts” is exceedingly rare (e.g., “must be a millionaire Nobel Prize winner who speaks 5 languages”), you are setting yourself up for frustration. Consider whether that is truly necessary. The idea is not to list everything that would be perfect, but the minimal conditions for happiness.
Communicating Your Non-Negotiables (and Detecting Theirs):
When you know your core needs, you do not necessarily blurt them all out on the first date like a job interview. But you can gently feel them out. For example, if sharing a religion is a must for you, you would likely only date within that faith or mention early, “My faith is important to me; how about you?” If you need someone who’s financially responsible, you might pay attention to clues: do they live within means, have their act together? It is fair to discuss values in dating conversations. You can pose hypothetical questions or discuss past experiences: “I really value honesty, even if the truth hurts sometimes. How do you feel about that?” Or “I have realised how important a healthy lifestyle is to me, I am training for a 10K. What kind of activities do you enjoy?” You are not exactly testing them, but you are observing and guiding the conversation to areas that matter to you. Ideally, if something is truly non-negotiable, it will surface naturally. If you absolutely want (or don’t want) to get married again, that should be discussed in the first few months so neither wastes time. Pay attention, too, when they talk about themselves, they may reveal some of their own must haves or boundaries. If you spot an incompatibility with your non-negotiable, address it sooner rather than later. It can be as straightforward as, “I sense maybe we differ on X. I feel strongly about X because… Is that something you think you could align with, or do you see it differently?” It might seem awkward, but clarity is better than dragging on in false hope.
Not Settling (Stick to Your Guns!):
When you really like someone, the temptation is to overlook things. Some compromise in relationships is normal, but compromising on a non-negotiable is usually a recipe for heartbreak. Remind yourself why you set that boundary. For instance, if you decided “no smokers” because health and longevity are deeply important to you, do not talk yourself into “Well, maybe it’s okay that he smokes a pack a day, I can live with it.” In the infatuation phase, it is easy to downplay issues, but they will resurface in full force later. A helpful strategy is to imagine 5 years down the line: “If everything about this person was great except this one issue, would it eventually erode my happiness or respect for them?” If yes, it is a true non-negotiable, and you should not wave it off. It might mean hard decisions, like ending it with an otherwise nice person. That can hurt, but nowhere near as much as marrying someone with a dealbreaker issue and being miserable for years. Keeping friends or a coach who knows your list can help; they will hold you accountable if you start rationalising. Sometimes just saying it aloud, “I’m thinking of looking past the fact she does not want kids, even though I truly do”, makes you realise, oops, I’m about to settle on a major life goal. Better to face it now.
Being Fair: Non-Negotiables Go Both Ways:
Recognise that your dating partner will have their own needs and dealbreakers too. Part of finding the right match is that your non-negotiables and theirs do not conflict. This can require some honest conversations. Perhaps their non-negotiable is “my partner must get along with my family”, and you realise you find their family very difficult. Or maybe they need someone who shares their passion for, say, wanting to live on a farm, and you’re a city person at heart. If you discover you’re on the wrong side of their must-haves, as painful as it is, it’s better to amicably part ways than force fit. It does not mean anything’s wrong with you or them, just not a fit in that area. The right person for you will naturally meet your core needs (not in every superficial way, but where it counts), and you will meet theirs, without either of you contorting yourselves. That’s when you know you can move forward with confidence.
Reevaluating If Needed:
Once in a relationship, if it progresses, continue to keep an eye on those fundamentals. Sometimes new issues pop up or things you thought were fine become problematic. That might require rethinking what is negotiable. For example, maybe you thought political alignment wasn’t a big deal, but over time, heated debates are causing rifts you may realise, “Actually, I need more alignment or ability to respectfully disagree without constant fighting.” It’s okay to adjust what you need if it comes from genuine reflection. However, avoid arbitrarily adding more and more non-negotiables just to sabotage connections (which can be a subconscious fear of intimacy move). Always question: Is this truly vital or just a preference I can compromise on? Knowing the difference is key to not being too rigid yet not settling.
Conclusion: Knowing and honouring your non-negotiables is an act of self-respect. It ensures you do not lose yourself in trying to make a relationship work at any cost. It also streamlines dating; you can screen people better and not waste time in clearly incompatible scenarios. While no partner will be “perfect” (that’s where negotiables and compromises come in), the right partner will check the important boxes that allow love and respect to thrive long-term. It’s liberating, it frees you to wholeheartedly love the person because you’re not constantly distressed about something fundamental. So do the soul searching, write down your list, keep it close, and refer when those rose coloured glasses threaten to cloud your vision.
Remember the mantra: “Don’t settle for less than what you truly need.” Life is too short, and you have learned too much, to do that. When you hold out for what really matters, you create space for the person who meets those needs to step into your life. And that partnership will feel all the sweeter for it.
Call to Action: Need help figuring out your non-negotiables? Download our free “Readiness Workbook”, which includes prompts to identify your core values and dealbreakers. It is like a personal checklist to carry into the dating world. Also, join our upcoming group discussion in the Divorced & Dating Support Circle where we will share our non-negotiables and learn from each other experiences (you might realise an important one you had not thought of!). Dating with clarity is dating with power. Empower yourself today by knowing what you will not compromise.