Monique scrolls through her dating app matches. She is noticed something: if she does not initiate the conversation, many matches languish in limbo. Yet, she is hesitant years of being told that women should not chase or that Black women are “too aggressive” have made her second guess hitting send on that first message. It is time to flip the script. In the digital dating realm, making the first move can be a game changer, and it is high time Black women seize the reins. Let explore how and why to step into that power with confidence.
The Power Shift: Why First Moves Matter
On apps like Bumble, women sending the first message is built in. But on all platforms, someone has to start the conversation. When you, as a Black woman, make the first move:
- You Set the Tone: Initiating allows you to guide the interaction from the start. You can steer the chat towards topics you are comfortable with. It is a subtle way to assert, “This is how I expect to be treated politely, engagingly.” For example, Monique loves to travel, so she often opens by asking about a destination in a match photo, signalling she values worldliness and fun.
- Filter for Confidence: A man who is receptive to a woman initiating is often more secure and progressive in his views on gender roles. If someone is turned off by you messaging first, that might hint at more traditional (perhaps stifling) expectations that wouldn’t align if you are a go getter in life. In essence, your boldness itself filters in people who appreciate a strong woman.
- Challenge Biases: Let be real Black women face certain stereotypes in dating: the angry Black woman trope, assumptions of being overly strong or not needing support, etc. By taking initiative, you defy the limiting expectation that you should wait around to be chosen. You are doing the choosing. This does not make you “aggressive” it makes you proactive. It challenges any match who holds biases to see you as an individual, not a caricature.
- Increase Your Odds: This one just math. The more people you talk to, the more likely you are to find a good one. Why let a potentially great match slip by because of an outdated norm? Data from some dating apps has shown that messages sent by women actually get higher response rates than those sent by men, likely because women send fewer so yours stands out. Use that to your advantage!
How to Do It: Tips for That First Message
- Be Genuine and Specific: A simple “Hey, how are you?” is okay, but it can lead to a dead end. Instead, reference something from their profile. “Hi James! I see you are into podcasting. Have any favorites? I am always looking for something new to listen to during my commute.” This not only shows you read his profile (a little ego boost) but also invites a substantive response.
- Keep It Light and Positive: You do not have to overthink or oversell. An opener that is upbeat or playful works well. Humor is great if that is your style maybe tease a bit about something in their profile (“You claim to be a BBQ master bold move, because now I am expecting ribs that put Texas to shame. How is your cooking game, honestly?”). Adjust tone as fits you, but remember positivity attracts.
- Use Your Feminine Energy, Your Way: “Feminine energy” is not a monolith; for some it is warmth and nurturing vibes, for others it is creative and dynamic. However you define yours, let it shine. That could mean using an emoji or two if you like them (a well placed or can soften text). Or expressing enthusiasm (“Your rescue dog is adorable, my heart melted at that pic!”). There is a myth that being the initiator means you are taking a masculine role forget that. You are a woman reaching out in a way only you can.
- No Shame in a Follow Up: If you break the ice and he replies, but then the convo lags, it is okay to nudge it along or suggest a meet up when you feel a vibe. For instance, after a day or two of chatting comfortably, Monique might say, “This has been fun want to continue over coffee this weekend? I know a great cafe with hazelnut lattes (my fave).” You are not “thirsty” for proposing a date; you are interested. That is an attractive trait! Worst case, he isn’t ready or declines politely. Best case, you have got a date on the books.
Mindset: Overcoming Doubt and Naysayers
- Redefine Rejection: One fear that holds anyone back from making the first move is rejection. But remember, online “rejection” often just means someone did not respond or it fizzled. It is not personal they do not know you. And frankly, it happens to everyone, men included, a lot. If someone is not responsive or turns you down, they were not your person. You actually saved time by finding out early. Each no gets you closer to yes. Adopting that mindset (even if you have to fake it till you make it) is freeing.
- Anecdote vs. Stereotype: You might have heard things like “Men say they find it desperate when women initiate” or “Some guys will be intimidated.” Those are anecdotes and stereotypes, not universal truths. Plenty of men are absolutely delighted when a woman messages first some even find it sexy and refreshing. Focus on the success stories: maybe you know a friend who met her husband after she messaged him first on Match. Those are real outcomes too. Choose which narratives to feed your brain with.
- Community Encouragement: If you feel alone in this, find support. There are social media communities (like certain Facebook groups or subreddits for Black women in dating) where women encourage each other by sharing experiences and even first message screenshots for feedback. Sometimes a hype squad helps. Turn it into something fun rather than a nerve wracking chore have a friend over for a “message party” where you both send a few first messages on apps, then reward yourselves with a good movie or dessert regardless of immediate outcomes. Celebrate the act of putting yourself out there.
- Know Your Worth: This is the crux. Making the first move is an act of confidence and self worth. It is saying, “I am not going to sit here and hope someone picks me. I know what I bring to the table and I can reach out and see if you might be a fit for my life.” Remind yourself of what you offer in a relationship kindness, support, ambition, love, loyalty, fun. That does not change whether you initiate or not. If someone is turned off by your initiative, consider it their loss and probably not someone who had champion your fullness in the long run.
Monique took the plunge. She started messaging men who interested her, and doing so with positivity. Sure, not every message led to Prince Charming, but she began to enjoy the process more. One day, she messaged a guy about his travel photo in Ghana, sharing that she’d been wanting to visit. He responded eagerly they chatted about heritage trips, favorite books, and more. He later admitted her opening message (and the fact that she sent it) caught his attention like no one else. That guy is now her serious boyfriend.
Black women have always been trailblazers why not in the dating world too? Go ahead, make that first move. The ball is, and always has been, in your court.
Call to Action: Ready to step into your dating power? Download our First Move Script Pack designed for Black women it is filled with example openers and confidence boosters to get you started. Embrace your agency and watch what happens. You have got this, sis!