When we think about relationship “skills,” many of us draw a blank. Love is supposed to just happen naturally, right? Well, yes and no. Chemistry and attraction might spark on their own, but keeping a relationship healthy and happy, especially the second time around, takes certain core skills. Unfortunately, these aren’t usually taught in school! The good news is you can learn and cultivate them, and doing so can make all the difference between a connection that fizzles and one that flourishes. Let’s explore five key skills every divorced dater (or anyone, really) can benefit from building:
- Active Listening
Sounds simple, but true listening is hard. It is more than hearing words; it is understanding the feelings and needs behind those words. Many conflicts in relationships come from people feeling unheard. Active listening means you give your full attention when your partner is speaking, not planning your rebuttal, not half checking your phone. You make eye contact, nod or say, “uh-huh” to acknowledge, and then possibly paraphrase what they said to confirm (“So you felt upset when I cancelled our plans, is that right?”). This skill reassures your partner that their perspective matters to you. It can be challenging, especially if what they are saying is critical of you, the instinct is to defend yourself. But if you first prove you understand them, it diffuses tension; arguments turn into discussions. Try this: next time you’re in a disagreement, before responding with your point, summarise their point. You will be amazed; they will likely soften and be more ready to hear you. Active listening is basically relationship superglue. - Expressing Needs Calmly and Clearly
Many of us struggle to voice our needs, perhaps out of fear of sounding demanding or starting a fight. But unexpressed needs lead to resentment or misunderstandings. Being able to say how you feel and what you prefer in a calm, non-accusatory way is a skill that keeps relationships healthy. For example, instead of an angry “You never help around the house!” you could express, “I am feeling overwhelmed with chores; it would mean a lot if you could handle the dishes tonight.” Using “I” statements rather than “You always/never” statements prevents the other person from feeling attacked. This skill might feel awkward if you’re used to hinting or hoping your partner reads your mind. But clarity is kindness. Good partners appreciate knowing how to make you happy; it’s like giving them a cheat sheet, not a complaint. Practice on low-stakes things: if you want to try a new restaurant, say “I had love to go to that new Italian place, would you be up for that?” instead of hoping they guess you’re craving. You have a voice; use it kindly and clearly. - Conflict Resolution (Not Conflict Avoidance)
After a tough divorce, you might dread conflict. But disagreements are natural; it is how you handle them that matters. A vital skill is being able to navigate conflict in a constructive way. This includes things like not raising your voice or name-calling (basically, keep respect even if you are mad), knowing when to take a break if tempers flare (“Let’s pause and cool off, then talk in an hour”), and focusing on the issue, not attacking the person. Another aspect is finding win-win solutions or compromises. Instead of “We do it my way, or it is wrong,” a skilled conflict resolver asks, “What solution can we both live with?” It may help to literally step into problem-solving mode: imagine you two versus the problem, not you versus each other. For instance, if one of you wants more together time and the other wants more personal time, rather than labelling one as clingy or the other as cold, treat it as a logistics puzzle to solve, maybe schedule dedicated date nights and personal hobby times. You both win. The couples who last are not those who never fight; they’re those who fight fair and recover well. - Empathy and Perspective Taking
Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else shoes emotionally. This is such a key skill for deepening intimacy. It means if your partner comes home grumpy because of a work issue, instead of thinking “Ugh, why are they snapping at me?”, you first consider “They must have had a rough day; that must feel bad.” It does not mean accepting bad behaviour indefinitely, but it does mean giving the benefit of the doubt and responding with care. Perspective taking goes hand in hand: in any disagreement, being able to see how a situation might look through your partner’s eyes. It is amazing how this can shift your feelings. You might be angry they skipped an event you planned, but when you really think from their perspective (perhaps they were stressed or forgot and now feel ashamed), your stance might soften to understanding and finding a solution together. Empathy can be practised by actively imagining scenarios: if you have a story of conflict, retell it in your head but from a narrator’s view, highlighting what the other person felt. It builds a habit of not assuming the worst. Over time, empathetic couples build a strong bond where each feels seen and cared for, even when imperfect. - Self-Reflection (Owning Your Part)
This one might not immediately come to mind as a relationship skill, but it is crucial: the ability to look inward and acknowledge your own contributions to problems (and strengths, too). In the aftermath of divorce, many people do a postmortem to understand what happened. Keep that self-reflective habit in your next relationship. This skill means if something is going wrong, you pause the blame game and ask, “How might I be contributing to this?” For example, maybe you notice you always argue on weekends, upon reflection, you realise you tend to bring up heavy topics on Sunday nights when both are tired. That is self-awareness; now you can adjust (maybe talk Saturday morning instead). Or perhaps your partner is withdrawing, and your gut reaction is to blame them for being cold, but on reflection, you see you have been negative or critical lately, which might push them away. Owning that does not mean it is all your fault, but it means you can change your approach and see if things improve. It is empowering because the only person you can directly change is yourself. Self-reflection also helps you communicate with your partner from a less defensive place. Instead of “You are entirely wrong,” you might say, “I see my part in this. I have been stressed and probably not fun to be around; I am sorry. Let’s work on it.” That invites teamwork. Partners who both practice this have a kind of magical dynamic where issues get resolved faster, because each is holding themselves accountable rather than doubling down on ego.
Conclusion: These five skills, active listening, clear expression of needs, conflict resolution, empathy, and self-reflection, form a toolkit for relationship success. If they feel a bit unfamiliar, do not worry. Most of us were not explicitly taught these, especially if our earlier life or marriage did not model them. But you can start practising one by one. Think of it like learning a new language; at first, you translate word for word, but eventually, you become fluent. The more you use these skills, the more natural they’ll become and the more naturally satisfying your relationship will be. It is worth noting that these skills not only help in romantic relationships but also in friendships, family, and even work. You will likely see overall life benefits.
No relationship is perfect, but having these abilities is like having a safety net and navigation system combined. Even if you stumble, you do not fall far, and you can find your way back to love and understanding more easily. And here is a secret: demonstrating these skills also attracts better partners. Someone with emotional maturity will recognise and value that you communicate and empathise, and they will reciprocate. It is a virtuous cycle. So, in this “school of love,” commit to being a lifelong student. The diploma is a happy, healthy partnership that is more than worth it.
Call to Action: Want to deepen these skills? Our upcoming Masterclass is essentially a mini “relationship skills workshop.” We role-play scenarios (yes, it is fun!) and teach practical tips to sharpen your listening or conflict resolution in real life. Also, download our free guide (if you have not) for exercises like the clarity worksheet, which further enhances self-reflection and communication. Remember, great relationships are not found; they are built, and you are now equipped with the blueprint and tools to build yours.